Wouldn’t it be great if you knew exactly what to say all the time to turn your partner on?
Well, like anything, it’s almost impossible to instantly be great at talking dirty. It takes practice, research, and patience…
…and not having those things early on in relationships often leads to some pretty entertaining /embarrassing stories.
Today I’m going to take a break from offering the usual dirty talk tips and share some highly enjoyable (only because they didn’t happen to us) stories that my customers have sent in over the last few months. I have been given permission to share these stories, but will alter the names just to be safe.
“Dear Evan, last night I told my boyfriend I’d always wanted to go to Toronto, but now I don’t have too because I see the C.N Tower in his pants. Oh god, I’m still beet red. We still eventually had sex …after he stopped laughing”
“So I was getting freaky the other night with this girl from the bar. She was talking REALLY dirty with me, and although I didn’t really know what to say back, I really wanted to talk dirty back to her! I kept telling her she was sexy and how bad I wanted her, but since our ‘session’ was lasting a long time, I was getting really repetitive. After the 10th time of telling her she’s hot during sex she completely stops everything and says ‘YES I KNOW! JEEZZ, CANT YOU SAY SOMETHING ELSE?’. Well, I did. I said ‘um, I’m about to come’. After that I left and never called her again. She didn’t call me either!”
“So I read your dirty talk handbook the other night and it was awesome! I loved it and learned so much. Too much actually. Apparently I was so bad at talking dirty to my boyfriend, that when I started talking dirty to him after reading your book he broke up with me convinced I was cheating on him and that’s how I got so good at talking dirty!!!! Luckily once he calmed down and I explained what happened and why I was so good he was so flattered and apologetic that he took me out to my first super-expensive restaurant. We’re still together btw ”
“Before I ever learned how to talk dirty I used to call mens penises (to their face) “tallywhacker”. Oh god, I don’t know why I did but I don’t anymore.”
“So the other night my girl and I are getting freaky. We’re role-playing …with outfits …I’m talking some super sexy good times! The entire time we both are enjoying the naughty talk, and it’s really easy when you are both in character. I think we were just doing the cop / bad girl routine. Right as I’m about to, unload, she says ‘I’ve been a bad girl so why don’t you come on the back of my hands?’. I LOSE it. I’ve never laughed my ass off right as I was finishing before, but it was awesome! It was one that I will never forget. I guess what was so weird about it is, why the heck did she say back of her hands? Talk about random. Later she told me she just tried to think of something I wouldn’t expect. Boy was she right. I guess hearing what you don’t expect can work sometimes!”
Hopefully these were as entertaining for you as they were me. I appreciate everyone who has sent in stories whether funny or embarrassing. Let me know if you enjoyed this piece and I’ll do more in the future.
That’s it for today!